Jesus Crashed My Pity-Party
Over at the New Attitude site Joseph Stigora recently posted an article on self-pity entitled “Jesus Crashed My Pity Party.” It provides a very important and rarely seen perspective on self-pity. It doesn’t answer every question on this subject but it provides a foundation for viewing it in light of the gospel.
If you’re anything like me, when things aren’t going the way you’ve planned you often give into the temptation to feel sorry for yourself more then we’d like to admit. The Bible—and the gospel—has a lot to say about self-pity. It’s important that we take a closer look at why we feel sorry for ourselves and how to break this sinful cycle.
Simply put, self-pity is sorrow or grief aroused by our own misfortune. It is an intense awareness of an actual or (often in my case) a perceived wrong for which we feel abandoned, unloved, alone and victimized. Now how do we make a connection to the gospel from here? That can be hard to do, but looking at the situation in light of the gospel, our self-pity has everything to do with God and the cross of Jesus Christ. At the cross, we see the most dramatic picture of God’s great love for us. While we were still sinners, Jesus became sin for us, took God’s wrath in our place and redeemed us for his glory (Rom 5:8; 2 Cor 5:21). We can’t earn it and we don’t deserve this mercy, and yet Christ died for us.
That is no small truth! It is the foundation of all our hope, joy and life. It is an anchor for us in the difficulties of life. In the cross, God dealt with our greatest need and so it follows that he will care for all our subsequent needs. This is the nature of our amazing God and his grace!
Self-pity is subversive to these truths. It turns our focus inward, ignoring God’s deepest demonstration of love for us. We may not be fully aware of it, but self-pity has assumptions and makes statements: that either God doesn’t care, he isn’t good or he isn’t able to do something we want. Rather than trusting in his character and accepting his loving rule in our lives, self-pity says, “I want to rule. I will treat myself better than this. I want to sit on the throne.” And we all know that whoever sits on the throne gets the glory. Self-pity is based in self-worship.
One of the dangers of self-pity is that we often pass it off as not being a big deal. We rationalize it. But the truth is, it is very serious. In his article called “The Poison of Self-Pity,” William Farley says,
“Often those trapped in self-pity can not see their sin or apply the message of the cross to themselves. That is because the foundation of self-pity is pride, and the nature of pride is blindness. It follows that those bound by self-pity will often be blind to both its presence and its underlying cause.” (The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Summer 2007).
There it is, can you follow the progression? The reason I so often fail to see self-pity is active in my life is that I become so focused on myself and my circumstances that I lose sight of God. Instead of seeing all things as under God’s kind and loving sovereignty, all I can see is that I am not getting what I want. God begins to fade from my field of vision. Self looms larger and my self-pity becomes a form of self-worship. My self-worship is rooted in my thinking so highly of myself, it’s rooted in pride.
Here’s what I mean: when we are proud, we think we see things clearly, but we actually can’t see at all. We complain, speak critically and assume our assessments are right. Gratitude evaporates from the self-pitying heart. Those immersed in self-pity do not have the ability to see God’s grace at work around them. Objectivity is gone and we are tossed on the seas of our subjective senses. We feel that we have been victimized and no one cares, not even God. The only person left to pity us is ourselves… and then our self-focus spirals in on itself, leaving us trapped under the weight of our sin, miserable, bitter and alone.
But we don’t have to stay there. The way out of self-pity is not to sit off to the side with our head in our hands, looking dejected until someone is manipulated into asking us what is wrong (and sadly, I’ve done that!). The way out of self-pity is to repent and turn our eyes to Jesus Christ. The way out is to counteract the lie that God does not care with Scripture about his character, his mercy, his nearness and his cross. He reminds us that we can cast all of our cares on him because he loves us (1 Peter 5:5-7), Jesus tells us that the Father cares for the birds and that we are worth more to him than a bird (Luke 12:22-34) and that is how we see God’s grace each day. And above all that he does to sustain us each day, the grace of God comes to us in the fact that through his own sacrifice he has transferred us from a domain of darkness and into the kingdom of the Son who forgives our sins! (Col 1:13-14) When he is our focus, it brings everything else into perspective. Our confidence in the cross where Jesus dealt with our greatest need is enough to give us hope in all situations.
Life deals out serious situations, but the gospel of Jesus Christ grounds us. Even in pain and loss, we can find strength in our salvation. Hab 3:18-19 says:
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.”
In each situation, we face the choice of setting our eyes on ourselves or looking to Christ crucified. Self-pity is the result of self-focus; the remedy is God-focus.
So when we are tempted to complain, criticize, become bitter or feel sorry for ourselves, take heart. Go to the Scriptures and read of Job, David, Paul and Elijah. See how their plights pushed them toward God. Read articles such as “The Cross and Criticism” and William P. Farley’s excellent article, “The Poison of Self-Pity.”
The cave of self-pity is a dangerous, slippery place that is not a haven for our souls; but the cross helps us to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, to worship God and not ourselves, and to live in gratitude, love and joy as for the good things he has done for us!