Sex. Yes, it is important and healthy for us as parents to talk with our kids about sex. Certainly there is a wise and appropriate way to do this and yet it cannot be neglected. If you don’t someone, including their own sinful nature, will. A blog entitled, “The Family Room,” has recently posted what is currently a three part series on how to wisely do this. They don’t give all the answers or lay down the law but hopefully it will get us thinking about how to proactively approach this subject in a way that will help our children see sex as a way to glorify God when practiced according to His plan. I have pasted the entire posts below.
Part 1- Straight Talk About What You Know
Okay, there is no way for this not to be a bit awkward. That’s why I mentioned in a recent sermon, it is wise to begin dialoguing about sex in an age-appropriate way when kids are small and then to simply continue the conversation. But if you have not done so, it’s not too late.
The next several posts will be from families who have had “the talk” and experienced God’s help in doing so. We can learn from them. In the mean time, here are some thoughts to help you get started: First, let your child know that sex was created by God and it is very good. Emphasize the blessing that God intended our sexuality to be. Sex brings wonderful pleasures for married couples as well the miracle of how babies are made. Secondly, let them know that this is also an area fraught with dangers for the foolish. Many use fire as an analogy. It can warm our homes and cook our meals, but it can also burn us and cause much pain and suffering. That’s why we must learn God’s ways with regard to sex.Lastly, let them know that no one is an expert, and that this is especially true of friends who may want to talk about it. Discourage them from speaking to their friends about sex. And let them know that although you are not an expert either, you have been placed in their lives to help them navigate these wonderful but treacherous waters. Part 2- Sex, Not Talk, Talks…
We don’t need to have a “talk.” We need to have “talks”—starting around age two. If you begin at age two by training your child in the God-given beauty and value of his body and teaching him the names of body parts, you are off to a good start. (Please note: my use of the masculine pronoun applies here to sons and daughters.)At some point he needs to learn that modesty requires not revealing certain parts of his body to others because God deems them private—not because they are evil but because they are special. He also needs to learn that speech should be modest, too. There are some aspects of our humanity, including sex, that should be discussed with only certain people—daddy and mommy.And he needs to know that if anyone tries to breach this modesty, daddy or mommy should know immediately.
Sex is far more about relationships than it is about biology, so we need to have ongoing conversations about relationships, and that includes talking about the opposite gender. In a manner of speaking, that’s a talk about sex, too.Kids should be used to discussing sex and matters pertaining to the opposite sex—at a level appropriate to their age—so that when it comes time to fill them in on all the biological aspects of sex, they are not surprised.I remember walking through the parking lot of the grocery store when one of my children, a new reader, asked, “Why is sex better than jogging?” I was a little stunned. “I just read this bumper sticker, and it said, ‘Sex is better than jogging. You don’t need special shoes for it’.”We then shared a conversation about the precious relationship of a husband and wife. The world takes what should be private and makes it public. It takes what is precious and makes it a joke. May our many talks lead our children to look forward to God’s gift of marriage and sex. Part 3- Talking with Our Children About Sex…
Today, we continue the “conversation” hearing from a very respected couple in our church, Chris and Susan Nelson. In the mercy of God, we have such godly and wise parents to glean from. (Susan, now you need to tell us what was in that “packet” you made up for your Lancaster trip.) In approaching this subject with our children, we have sought to keep the innocence of their youth by “progressive disclosure.” So as questions arose, we would answer simply enough to appropriately satisfy their curiosity. At the same time we wanted to be sure they heard about this from us and not peers. So when our oldest daughter seemed at a place where she could emotionally handle hearing the basics, we wanted to be the ones to share it.The initial talk was with Mom. But we made sure she knew she could/should freely talk with Dad as well–but no one else. Our desire was for the conversation to be natural – not taboo, weird or unacceptable – something that our children feel that can talk with us about at any time.
Prior to talking with her, I sought input from several respected friends who had gone before me, as well as read related books. I poured out to the Lord my concerns: “When should I talk with her? How much should I share?” I spoke to the Lord of my fears, “How will she handle this new information emotionally?” and desire that “the talk” would spring out of normal everyday life. This was so important and faith building –as I prayed, the Lord gave me peace and opened up the perfect opportunity beginning with a question from my daughter, while in the car – with none of her siblings present (a rare moment)! I smiled as I clearly saw God’s hand in the timing of it all. I answered her questions as we were driving/talking, and really focused on the wonder of God. I didn’t share great detail, but just enough of the basics for her to know more than “God gives babies”. This has been the beginning of a continual conversation.When our daughter turned 13 I took her to Lancaster for two nights to spend one on one time together, undistracted from normal daily activities. During this time, I talked more about modesty and purity; seeking to cover all of this in a fun and creative way, through “object lessons”, stories and God’s word. I took her through a packet I made up, bit by bit, interspersing our talks with fun (eating out, movie, shopping). Even while we were driving or eating out, I had questions in each of our purses that we could ask each other – so as to be purposeful in fellowship.As apprehensive as I was about talking with our first child, I am that much more filled with faith for our other daughters. God has shown himself faithful every step of the way. In approaching this subject with our children, we have sought to keep the innocence of their youth by “progressive disclosure.” So as questions arose, we would answer simply enough to appropriately satisfy their curiosity. At the same time we wanted to be sure they heard about this from us and not peers. So when our oldest daughter seemed at a place where she could emotionally handle hearing the basics, we wanted to be the ones to share it.